Imagine, for a moment, that America’s cows decided to stage a military coup.
They would certainly have a size advantage. At 1,330 pounds, the average cow is the mass equivalent of about nine American adults. Collectively, the wide-eyed, cantankerous varmints outweigh us by 66 billion pounds.
Cows are also quiet killers. While we’re busy cowering over sharks and arachnids, they maul about 20 of us to death each year. They frequently team up to carry out these murders, proving that they’re well-versed in the procedures of a grassroots uprising.
And there are a lot of them.
There is 1 cow in America for every 3.5 humans
Much like the US Census Bureau keeps a tally of its human denizens, the US Census of Agriculture does a twice-per-decade head count of the country’s cows. Cattle owners from nearly a million farms across all 50 states are required to send in their herds’ population data.
Nationally, the numbers are on our side: There are 319 million of us and 89.9 million cows. We comfortably outnumber them 3.5 to 1. But if, by some cruel joke of nature, cows chose to take up a “beef” with us, certain states would be significantly more screwed than others.
Below, we’ve broken down every state’s human and cow populations. In each case, the larger of the two is highlighted.
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Some regions need not worry about revolutionary cows at all.
For instance, eight of the 10 states with the lowest cow-to-human ratios (all less than 0.05 cows per person) are on the East Coast. In states like New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Connecticut there are nearly 300 humans to every cow. Most Southern states also lean heavily in favor of humans.
But in nine US states — Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and Wyoming — cows are more numerous than people.
Three of these states are in the West, five are in the Midwest, and one is in the South. As you can see on the map above, collectively the nine form a solid strip down the middle of America, in the Great Plains.
In these states, there are a combined 32,489,391 cattle — more than one-third of America’s total cow population — and just 16,732,450 people.
So which locales fare the worst?
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South Dakota hosts nearly 3.9 million of the mooing beasts — and the state’s 859,000 human residents are outnumbered 4.5 to 1.
“Oh-ho, they’re everywhere,” confirms longtime South Dakotan human Jim Krantz. “Drive down any road here, and you’ll see ’em. There are cattle from one end of the state clear across to the other.”
Why are there so many cows in the Great Plains?
Krantz, who boasts 40 years of experience as a cattle researcher, says there is a prevailing reason the Great Plains is home to so many cows. It’s not just that the land is cheaper, or that there is more space for grazing — it’s that the soil there really, really sucks.
“Most of that topography consists of lighter soils and isn’t much good for crops,” he says. “There are many unfarmable acres, and the only way to utilize those acres is to run a stock house.”
In the late 1800s, cowboys — among them, Theodore Roosevelt — herded millions of cattle into the territory and set up lucrative ranching enterprises. Despite a few major droughts and the Dust Bowl exodus in the 1930s, a number of these settlers clung to their cattle outposts. Today, says Krantz, the majority of the region’s 450,000 farms are longtime, family-owned establishments.
So in the vast, figuratively crappy soils of Middle America, cows reign supreme.
Of course, all of this is in jest. Should they revolt, poor cows wouldn’t stand a chance — even in South Dakota. Because, you know, guns.
But we offer angsty cattle a modest proposal: There is strength in numbers. Enlist the help of your brethren — America’s 5 million sheep, 66 million hogs, and 8.5 billion chickens — and the fate of this great nation may yet be in your hooves.
Source: VOX
